Monday, January 20, 2014

Just Let Me Go

I don't think you know how much you hurt me. 
The things you said or did. 
The places you went to that made it seem like you were running away from me, or running into her arms. 
You said I have no reason to think it looked the way it did. 
I don't really know that it was how it seemed to be. 
How am I supposed to know if it was or wasn't? 

I read your texts.
You don't know I read them.
They weren't to her but to another "friend". 
They said how you were careful and that you made sure to delete those texts.
What was I supposed to think?

I know I hurt you 3 years ago when I basically did the same thing to you. 
But that was different. 
You were the distant one then and are the distant one now.
It was you who changed, not me.
I fell in love with someone else because they treated me how you should have been all along.

You treated me like nothing I ever did was good enough. 

I didn't clean the house enough. 
I didn't cook enough. 
I didn't do the laundry enough. 
I didn't love you enough. 
You fail to see that I did all of those things. 

7 years!
7 years of doing everything I could to try to make it in life.
All while working 2 jobs, going to school, and trying to keep the house as orderly as possible. 

What did you do?
You went to work. 
Came home. 
Watched TV.
Fell asleep. 
And then got mad at me because you didn't approve of my job. 
Or what I made for dinner. 
Or how tired I was at night from all I do.

You expected me to be ready willing and able whenever you wanted. 
Even if I wasn't in the mood or was already half asleep. 
You thought that when I said I wanted a back rub it meant it was go time.
Why can't a back rub because I'm sore from working all day just be a back rub?

Why is it so hard for you to understand or accept.
I can't do this anymore.
I fell out of love with you. 
She had a lot to do with it. 
It seemed that you cared about her more than me. 
You took her places I asked to go and then told me I didn't need to go there because we have already been.
You took her places on days that you should have been with me. 

You knew my schedule. 
I changed shifts to make more time for you and I told you about it. 
Then you proceeded to make plans with everyone else during the time I made for you. 

What did you expect?
Did you expect that I would roll over and play dead?
Did you accept that I would put up with you screwing around with anyone you wanted?
While I stayed at home?
Busting my ass working to pay off bills YOU made, when you make more than I do?
Did you think this would just never end and that I would put up with it?
My self esteem may be low but I can do so much better. 

I was strong enough to let you go. 
So that I can be better.
And I am getting there. 

Now it's your turn. 
You need to let go of me so that I can move on and be happy. 

There is someone who makes me smile. 
Gives me butterflies. 
Makes me feel giddy again.
Unfortunately, he doesn't know how I feel. 
But it's nice to feel this way nonetheless.

However, every time I hear from you I want to cry.

I want to cry because of what was and how long it took me to be strong enough to go.


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Is it True?

I found you! I finally found you! 

I've been searching for you and waiting for you, but I have grown tired of waiting and wishing and hoping you'd show up again. I'm sorry they said what they said. If you saw my reaction you should know how I feel. I was mortified because I care so much and I have always been hurt by others putting things out there when they have no business doing so. I don't want to hurt you or be hurt by you. So I've kept my distance. But I long to talk to you, to sit with you, to share things with you. I want to be part of your life and for you to be part of mine. I smile when I see you or think of you, usually. Lately my thoughts have been filled with regret and tears. I'm afraid things have been ruined and any chance is gone because of what they did. I really hope you've just been too busy to come back. I know your mind isn't like mine. I know you probably aren't dwelling over every little detail like I have, to the point of making myself sick and spiraling into a self destructive depression. I just want to be with you. To be happy WITH you. For you to be happy WITH me. To want to make each other happy. I want so much to be .... LOVED, In every sense of the word. To be held like I'm a delicate flower that needs to be nurtured and taken care of so that it doesn't break, or lose it's petals or leaves and wither away. To be kissed, like kissing me were necessary to live and you couldn't stand the thought of not doing so. To be comforted and loved and showered with every bit of affection you can give. I want more than I have ever been given before as love. Why? You think I'm selfish? The love I have for you already far encompass everything I could only wish for from you. My love will eclipse all else. I want to love you with all my heart, all my being. Every breath I take is so that I can love you more, care for you more, be more. Every heartbeat jumps out of my chest with the thought of being able to love you, and receiving your love back. I don't know if I can turn back now. I've already fallen so hard and all I had was thoughts. Please don't leave me with just my thoughts. I'm not sure I can handle being broken and rejected yet again. Not after everything I have gone through with him. If I can't have you, then I don't want anyone else. I'd rather be alone with my thoughts and memories of you and what could have possibly been ... if they hadn't ruined everything by saying what they did. 

I wasn't embarrassed because I don't like you. I was embarrassed because I do like you. I really like you. I feel like I am having that first crush all over again. I don't know how else to explain it. But I think back on everything that has happened since I made him leave. My half hug was because I was afraid that I smelled because I was sweating for running around. I feel dumb around you, which is saying a lot because I usually hold my intelligence at the top of my list of things that make me better. I shouldn't feel stupid but I feel like that silly girl in the school yard who is afraid to tell the boy that she likes him because it's her first crush and it's embarrassing and cute and sweet and scary all at the same time. 

They told me you turned as red as I was. But I was too afraid to look up to see your reaction. I think you saw mine but I honestly don't know. What I do know .... you didn't deny what they said. You didn't deny that you were there to see me. You didn't deny that you stop by mostly to see me and talk to me. You didn't deny that you come right to me when you come in the store. You didn't deny that you might just like me. This is what I understood from the one simple statement they made. All I need to know .... Is it true?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Why can't we make this darkness feel like home

Together we'll be running somewhere new and nothing can hold me back from you .....

 Up against the wall or runnin down the hall

Grab my hand and we will make a plan

Can't stop us now, No way No how!

Running through the street, can you feel the heat
My heart is beating, don't start retreating

Keeping you near, don't ever fear

Lock you in my arms, keep you away from harm.

Skin:  :: Exodi ::  Stephanie Beck 3 Dk/C
Hair: TRUTH  Odette with bangs - treacle
Jacket: [ bubble ] Short Leather Jacket -Black
Dress: *LAST CALL: Arista (cheetah) [Store closed - no longer available]
Shoes: [PM]Pixel Mode - Group Gift - Lady T - Jaguar
Eye: :: Exodi ::  - :: Exodi :: Zbilja Spirit (Leaves)(Lg)(V)
Tattoo: *Etchd* Creeper (Colorable!) box
Nails: :: Exodi :: - Manipedis - Black
Makeup: Glam Affair - Tattoo Layer 05 (The Dressing Room 11)

Poses:  1: *ELISA* Cologne3
            2: *ELISA* Cologne2
            3: *ELISA* burlesque5

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

She didn't say a word ... just walked away

(Going to try something a little different with my posts. Maybe try to tell a story.)

Lost in the fields I walked away trying to hide in the flowers hoping no one would see me. Hiding my face afraid to face the truth. I was finally alone and it terrified me. The sun was shining on me trying to reveal everything that I had tried to bury. I looked around uncertain of the reality of the world around me and tried to retreat from the suns rays of light. I wasn't yet ready to embrace them or my truth.

Skin:  :: Exodi ::  Sylvan 2011 - Soleil Dk/C (VIP Group Gift)
Hair: TRUTH  Selena - treacle
Dress: JANE -  meagan dress - raven blues
Shoes: [PM]Pixel Mode - Group Gift - Lady T - Snake Skin
Earrings: Zaara : Urvi chandelier Earrings *color*
Eye: :: Exodi ::  - :: Exodi :: Zbilja Spirit (Leaves)(Lg)(V)
Necklace: ::eLDee:: Starry necklaces - purple (store closed- no longer available)
Lashes: [DK] Deviant Prim Lashes 01 (no longer available)

Poses:  1: (p4p) she was a good soul
            2: because it's true.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

OMG!!! YES IT IS I!! I guess i just felt left out in this whole blogging thing.So here i go. Have you ever had one song stuck in your head. And it doesn't matter how many times you hear it you just cant get it out of your head. Well it happens to me a lot.And right now the song is "marry You" by Bruno mars. God its so catchy......./me breaks out in song"It's a beautiful night we're looking for something dumb to do....hey baby i think i wanna marry you! It's on auto replay in my head. And be cause of this i felt why not take a few photo's.......but i needed a partner. So in steps my lovely,awesome, handsome,and oh so fluffy "friend" Rio. And this is how it turned out!

"It’s a beautiful night, We’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you. Is it the look in your eyes, Or is it this dancing juice? Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you. Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go, No one will know, Come on girl. Who cares if we’re trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow, Shots of patron, And it’s on girl. Don’t say no, no, no, no-no; Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah; And we’ll go, go, go, go-go. If you’re ready, like I’m ready. Cause it’s a beautiful night, We’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you. Is it the look in your eyes, Or is it this dancing juice? Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you."

clothes(on Topi...duh!!!)
::a&m:: my yumy necklace -nature pearls  
Fri. - basic.cami (white)  
Fri. - long cardi (black)  
(Shiny Things)- Saturday Flats (white)  
Berries inc.- legshow! skirt (darkblue)  
magika- silver earrings(no longer avalible)
body skin= ::exodi:: sylvan cahet-2011-lt/c  
eyes=::exodi:: zbiljia spirit (specular)(lg)(Nv)
tattoo=*OMS* My Stars Tattoo 
  Hair=TRUTH HAIR Jolie - reds (cherry)  

1st=GLITTERATI - Playfight  
2nd=Stakey - You're Mine pose  

and what Rio's do you really care???