Tidal Waves and Turbulent Tides: The Anxiety is REAL

 Let me start this by saying that traumatic experiences can cause PTSD over something easily overlooked by others. I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship and I have come to the realization that I do in fact have PTSD because of him.

My panic attack this weekend was caused in part by him, but he was not directly involved. I had a customer, that was the spitting image of him. He looked like him, had some of the same mannerisms, and even spoke a bit like him. However, it was clear it was not him. It still caused a gut reaction in me, I was instantly sick to my stomach, creeped out, and wanted to cry. Not only did he come into my store once last week, but no less than 3 times and was there for a total of 6-8 hours during the week.

(For those of you who don't know, I co-own/run a ceramics studio with my mother.)

This means he was there for hours over the 3 occasions painting a ceramics piece. While yes, I could simply tell him he's not allowed there I am understanding enough to know that he is NOT my ex and it's not his fault that he looks or acts so similar to him. The knowledge of this can not stop a guttural reaction of sickness and discomfort due to years of emotional and psychological abuse by a partner.

I was able to hold my composure and deal with being near this person for the majority of the week. However, on Saturday I lost my shit. It had been an excessively long week with my day job, lawyer meetings, the ceramics shop (a very busy week this week), and just being overall worn out. I could not handle even being in his presence on Saturday. I had to escape. I ended up in the basement of the ceramics shop, while my mother dealt with the customers, crying for over an hour from being so overwhelmed with everything and all the feelings (not good ones) that come flooding back because of my ex and how he was with me.

The sad part is, all I could hear while crying is him yelling at me to "stop crying over stupid shit" or "WTF are you crying for now". And what you have to understand is that I am usually a rock. I don't cry over much, and when I do it's because I've let the emotions build up in me so much that when I finally let go it's like a tidal wave and can wipe out everyone around me.

I'm a work in progress. I've been broke and put back together, many times. While I am not in a relationship right now, I won't let myself get involved with someone who isn't willing to accept me the way I am and who will be there for me on those dark days the tidal wave causes me to rise and fall with the unstable tides of my life. Eventually, with the right person, they can anchor me and the turbulent tides and tidal waves of my emotions will hopefully even out and become a calm surface.

(P.S. Thank you to Megan for coming to my rescue and giving me a hug. I really needed it.)

What's wrong with me?

I think there must be something wrong with me.

When I fall, I fall hard and fast. I give any relationship my all, even if the other person isn't really invested in it yet, or sometimes at all.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and will help anyone out when I can. To the point that I will go without if you need it more.

But, every time I get an inkling of attraction from someone, it's like I run them off without looking back.

I know he liked me by the way he looked at me. It took me time to build up the courage to simply send him a friend request, and he clearly was happy to see it because it only took him 15 minutes to accept. But I felt awkward and didn't know what to say to him. By the time I figured out what I wanted to say he's unfriended me. Why? Did he realize that what he once wanted was only wanted because he was drunk? Did he just want a distraction? That's not me, I won't allow myself to simply be someone's distraction or a one night stand. I've been told he isn't really over his ex, who apparently repeatedly cheats on him. I've been cheated on, and I would never do that to him. Or was it simply that he felt embarrassed by his drunken confession, which was relayed to me? Did he look at my profile and become disinterested?

I just want an answer, because quite frankly it's becoming tiresome wanting to be loved how I know I deserve to be, but no one wants to give me that type of love.

Why is it so easy for people to take and take but they can't give in return. I mean I stopped looking. I was content with the fact that it's very possible that I will be alone forever. Then he looked at me and seemed interested while we talked. I didn't want to go with him that night. He was drunk after all. I didn't want to just be a hookup. I suppose that's all he wanted? I just don't know. He seemed nice enough and like he wouldn't hurt me.

Just so tired of trying to open my heart, even the slightest, to get it broken over and over.

Why does no one ever want me?!?!?