Tidal Waves and Turbulent Tides: The Anxiety is REAL

 Let me start this by saying that traumatic experiences can cause PTSD over something easily overlooked by others. I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship and I have come to the realization that I do in fact have PTSD because of him.

My panic attack this weekend was caused in part by him, but he was not directly involved. I had a customer, that was the spitting image of him. He looked like him, had some of the same mannerisms, and even spoke a bit like him. However, it was clear it was not him. It still caused a gut reaction in me, I was instantly sick to my stomach, creeped out, and wanted to cry. Not only did he come into my store once last week, but no less than 3 times and was there for a total of 6-8 hours during the week.

(For those of you who don't know, I co-own/run a ceramics studio with my mother.)

This means he was there for hours over the 3 occasions painting a ceramics piece. While yes, I could simply tell him he's not allowed there I am understanding enough to know that he is NOT my ex and it's not his fault that he looks or acts so similar to him. The knowledge of this can not stop a guttural reaction of sickness and discomfort due to years of emotional and psychological abuse by a partner.

I was able to hold my composure and deal with being near this person for the majority of the week. However, on Saturday I lost my shit. It had been an excessively long week with my day job, lawyer meetings, the ceramics shop (a very busy week this week), and just being overall worn out. I could not handle even being in his presence on Saturday. I had to escape. I ended up in the basement of the ceramics shop, while my mother dealt with the customers, crying for over an hour from being so overwhelmed with everything and all the feelings (not good ones) that come flooding back because of my ex and how he was with me.

The sad part is, all I could hear while crying is him yelling at me to "stop crying over stupid shit" or "WTF are you crying for now". And what you have to understand is that I am usually a rock. I don't cry over much, and when I do it's because I've let the emotions build up in me so much that when I finally let go it's like a tidal wave and can wipe out everyone around me.

I'm a work in progress. I've been broke and put back together, many times. While I am not in a relationship right now, I won't let myself get involved with someone who isn't willing to accept me the way I am and who will be there for me on those dark days the tidal wave causes me to rise and fall with the unstable tides of my life. Eventually, with the right person, they can anchor me and the turbulent tides and tidal waves of my emotions will hopefully even out and become a calm surface.

(P.S. Thank you to Megan for coming to my rescue and giving me a hug. I really needed it.)

What's wrong with me?

I think there must be something wrong with me.

When I fall, I fall hard and fast. I give any relationship my all, even if the other person isn't really invested in it yet, or sometimes at all.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and will help anyone out when I can. To the point that I will go without if you need it more.

But, every time I get an inkling of attraction from someone, it's like I run them off without looking back.

I know he liked me by the way he looked at me. It took me time to build up the courage to simply send him a friend request, and he clearly was happy to see it because it only took him 15 minutes to accept. But I felt awkward and didn't know what to say to him. By the time I figured out what I wanted to say he's unfriended me. Why? Did he realize that what he once wanted was only wanted because he was drunk? Did he just want a distraction? That's not me, I won't allow myself to simply be someone's distraction or a one night stand. I've been told he isn't really over his ex, who apparently repeatedly cheats on him. I've been cheated on, and I would never do that to him. Or was it simply that he felt embarrassed by his drunken confession, which was relayed to me? Did he look at my profile and become disinterested?

I just want an answer, because quite frankly it's becoming tiresome wanting to be loved how I know I deserve to be, but no one wants to give me that type of love.

Why is it so easy for people to take and take but they can't give in return. I mean I stopped looking. I was content with the fact that it's very possible that I will be alone forever. Then he looked at me and seemed interested while we talked. I didn't want to go with him that night. He was drunk after all. I didn't want to just be a hookup. I suppose that's all he wanted? I just don't know. He seemed nice enough and like he wouldn't hurt me.

Just so tired of trying to open my heart, even the slightest, to get it broken over and over.

Why does no one ever want me?!?!?

Wishing ... Wanting ... Waiting

I saw you from across the room

You smiled and I smiled back

We met at the bar and we talked

You looked me up and down

Hungrily

Licked your lips in anticipation

You made no move

You did nothing

You told your friends you were interested

They told me of your wanting

Was it the alcohol talking or was it true? 

Because honestly

I want you too!

Just Let Me Go

I don't think you know how much you hurt me. 

The things you said or did.

The places you went to that made it seem like you were running away from me, or running into her arms. 

You said I have no reason to think it looked the way it did. 

I don't really know that it was how it seemed to be. 

How am I supposed to know if it was or wasn't? 

I read your texts.

You don't know I read them.

They weren't to her but to another "friend". 

They said how you were careful and that you made sure to delete those texts.

What was I supposed to think?

I know I hurt you 3 years ago when I basically did the same thing to you. 

But that was different. 

You were the distant one then and are the distant one now.

It was you who changed, not me.

I fell in love with someone else because they treated me how you should have been all along.

You treated me like nothing I ever did was good enough. 

I didn't clean the house enough. 

I didn't cook enough. 

I didn't do the laundry enough. 

I didn't love you enough. 

But.

You fail to see that I did all of those things. 

7 years!

7 years of doing everything I could to try to make it in life.

All while working 2 jobs, going to school, and trying to keep the house as orderly as possible. 

What did you do?

You went to work. 

Came home. 

Watched TV.

Fell asleep.

And then got mad at me because you didn't approve of my job. 

Or what I made for dinner. 

Or how tired I was at night from all I do.

You expected me to be ready willing and able whenever you wanted. 

Even if I wasn't in the mood or was already half asleep. 

You thought that when I said I wanted a back rub it meant it was go time.

Why can't a back rub because I'm sore from working all day just be a back rub?

Why is it so hard for you to understand or accept.

I can't do this anymore.

I fell out of love with you. 

She had a lot to do with it. 

It seemed that you cared about her more than me. 

You took her places I asked to go to and then told me I didn't need to go there because we have already been.

You took her places on days that you should have been with me. 

You knew my schedule. 

I changed shifts to make more time for you and I told you about it. 

Then you proceeded to make plans with everyone else during the time I made for you. 

What did you expect?

Did you expect that I would roll over and play dead?

Did you accept that I would put up with you screwing around with anyone you wanted?

While I stayed at home?

Busting my ass working to pay off bills YOU made, when you make more than I do?

Did you think this would just never end and that I would put up with it?

My self-esteem may be low but I can do so much better. 

I was strong enough to let you go.

So that I can be better.

And I am getting there. 

Now it's your turn. 

You need to let go of me so that I can move on and be happy. 

There is someone who makes me smile. 

Gives me butterflies. 

Makes me feel giddy again.

Unfortunately, he doesn't know how I feel. 

But it's nice to feel this way nonetheless.

However, every time I hear from you I want to cry.

I want to cry because of what was and how long it took me to be strong enough to go.

Just

Let

Me

Go

!

Is it True?

I found you! I finally found you! 

I've been searching for you and waiting for you, but I have grown tired of waiting and wishing and hoping you'd show up again. I'm sorry they said what they said. If you saw my reaction you should know how I feel. I was mortified because I care so much and I have always been hurt by others putting things out there when they have no business doing so. I don't want to hurt you or be hurt by you. So I've kept my distance. But I long to talk to you, to sit with you, to share things with you. I want to be part of your life and for you to be part of mine. I smile when I see you or think of you, usually. Lately, my thoughts have been filled with regret and tears. I'm afraid things have been ruined and any chance is gone because of what they did. I really hope you've just been too busy to come back. I know your mind isn't like mine. I know you probably aren't dwelling over every little detail like I have, to the point of making myself sick and spiraling into a self-destructive depression. I just want to be with you. To be happy WITH you. For you to be happy WITH me. To want to make each other happy. I want so much to be... LOVED, In every sense of the word. To be held like I'm a delicate flower that needs to be nurtured and taken care of so that it doesn't break, or lose its petals or leaves and wither away. To be kissed, like kissing me were necessary to live and you couldn't stand the thought of not doing so. To be comforted and loved and showered with every bit of affection you can give. I want more than I have ever been given before as love. Why? You think I'm selfish? The love I have for you already far encompasses everything I could only wish for from you. My love will eclipse all else. I want to love you with all my heart, all my being. Every breath I take is so that I can love you more, care for you more, be more. Every heartbeat jumps out of my chest with the thought of being able to love you, and receiving your love back. I don't know if I can turn back now. I've already fallen so hard and all I had was thoughts. Please don't leave me with just my thoughts. I'm not sure I can handle being broken and rejected yet again. Not after everything I have gone through with him. If I can't have you, then I don't want anyone else. I'd rather be alone with my thoughts and memories of you and what could have possibly been ... if they hadn't ruined everything by saying what they did. 

I wasn't embarrassed because I don't like you. I was embarrassed because I do like you. I really like you. I feel like I am having that first crush all over again. I don't know how else to explain it. But I think back on everything that has happened since I made him leave. My half-hug was because I was afraid that I smelled because I was sweating for running around. I feel dumb around you, which is saying a lot because I usually hold my intelligence at the top of my list of things that make me better. I shouldn't feel stupid but I feel like that silly girl in the schoolyard who is afraid to tell the boy that she likes him because it's her first crush and it's embarrassing and cute and sweet and scary all at the same time. 

They told me you turned as red as I was. But I was too afraid to look up to see your reaction. I think you saw mine but I honestly don't know. What I do know .... you didn't deny what they said. You didn't deny that you were there to see me. You didn't deny that you stop by mostly to see me and talk to me. You didn't deny that you come right to me when you come in the store. You didn't deny that you might just like me. This is what I understood from the one simple statement they made. All I need to know... Is it true?